Byrne's Notices

Where to begin here…huh…Well let me just start off with you aren’t alone. You’ve said to me that you consider yourself a “hopeless romantic,” well Mark, you aren’t alone. “Hopeless romantics” may not be a majority, but they do exist, we do exist. I’ve never been all that open about what I felt, how I feel now, and just some shit that’s happened, and I figured now would be a good time to tell you this, so that way you don’t feel alone. 

So as we all know, I wasn’t much of the socialite for a majority of my life. Due to a few different reasons including 1) My self esteem was non-existent, 2) I looked and sounded 6 until I was 16, 3) Well…there’s many reasons that are irrelevant. So that search for someone who accepted me for who I was key to my happiness, the thought of spending my life with someone was the shimmer of light in my shithole of a life. Again, why my life was a shithole is not relevant to this, and will not be elaborated on as of the moment. 

So I finally started opening up, showing myself for who I was end of sophomore/beginning of junior year, and let me tell you, it was fucking scary. That search for acceptance and love became even higher up on my priority list…so high up that I’d have done anything for it…which brings me to one of the key points of this. 

I met someone who will be unnamed, you know her. She seemed to accept me, to care about me. It sprouted from nothing, really, and that should have been an indicator for bad to come, but I didn’t pick up on it. That need for love, it was overwhelming, it kept me up at night. I gave in and let it consume me. I spent the next ten months with someone who I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me. I was happy, but unhappy at the same time. I was happy to have that love that I was looking for, but unhappy because…it wasn’t even close to what I wanted, what I desired, what I had dreamed of throughout my life. Yet again, who was I to complain? Someone I could “trust” with everything, it was selfish of me to say it wasn’t what I wanted?

Well let me tell you something, that crashed and burned. She started doing the very things that hurt me the most, that she knew would absolutly destroy me. She started doing drugs and… well let me say something before I continue.

There’s a reason why I hate that shit as much as I do. It’s not because it’s “wrong” or “stupid.” The thought of people close to me doing drugs makes me cringe because the reason I don’t know my father is because he felt that him getting stoned was more important than me. Now I’m not looking for any sort of sympathy or anything, I’m just telling you what happened so you can understand why I hurt so bad when she started doing them. Not only did my dad do that, my step-dad got into it to. He sucked my mom’s life savings away on pot, and he abused me. Details are unneeded, and that’s as much depth as I’ll get into now.

Back to the story…She started doing drugs, and that destroyed me, because I never wanted to live life with people whom I cared for, throwing away everything for a quick high. My trust for her was destroyed and it was over then. My heart felt as though it was torn out, but at the same time…but I thought it was going to feel a lot worse then it did. Don’t get my wrong, it did hurt, but it was that feeling that I lost the person I thought I had loved, and it was a lie.

Where am I going with this story? Ya I know it seems pointless at the moment, but let me continue a little longer. I felt like you had, like I had been fucked over, and I was bitter. Why couldn’t I find love like everyone in the traditional love story had? A high-school sweetheart, someone I would grow old with. I was down on myself for a good portion of the summer, so to try and keep myself from becoming depressed and thinking about how imperfect I was, I spent time with friends in order to cover it up. Through doing that, some of that pain went away, but that need for love, that “helpless romantic” was coming back out. I kept it hidden away, I had no desire to be hurt again.

Here is where I’m going with this…I had met this girl awhile back, I couldn’t remember her name, but from day one I found myself attracted to her. I was in a relationship when I had met her, and her as well, so the fact that I found myself attracted to her made me feel kind of like an ass, so I said nothing and dismissed the thought. Well, mostly. Something about her eyes lurked in the back of my mind constantly. Her eyes, green, I just couldn’t dismiss them from my thoughts. 

Next time I saw her was a year later. She happened to be with some friends of mine when I went to see them. The moment I saw her again, I was without words. I can’t remember how, but her and I started talking about relationships, and what we wanted from them, and how we had been fucked over in the past. We we’re finishing each others sentences, and we had been talking for a day, it was odd. I felt something for her, but I, again, dismissed it, in fear of rejection. 

Her and I became good friends over the course of a few weeks. She then confessed her feelings for me. Ironic, I thought, I shared those feelings. 

I’m going to skip over details because I’m exhausted and don’t have the mental power to keep typing much more. Oh, I apologize if this is poorly written, my mental power is at a minimum right now (lack of sleep, school, work, etc). I’ve fallen in love, but this time, I know it’s real. See, I feel like everyone sees love differently. For me, I see love as two people who can share intimate moments, but are also best friends, people that care for each other and trust one another, people that have such strong emotions for one another that words lose all meaning. That’s what I’ve found now. I know it, and I’ll defend that belief until the day I die…even if something absolutely awful happened and her and I were no longer together, I’d never deny these feelings. 

I know, I’ve been talking about myself a lot here, but I’m bringing this back to your rant. Mark, you are one of my best friends, I’ve known you since, what, 4th grade? Don’t be down on yourself about this, because I’m the same way. I was happy for you when you told me you had strong feelings for this girl, and I’m even happier for you that you loved/love her. Don’t get me wrong, I feel terrible that this bitch hurt you like she did, but, as you said, there is some good in it. You have to experience heart break before you can see what true love is. You’ve experienced that heartbreak, you know now what love is, you know to be careful with it, you know that it isn’t something that can be easily given away, you know it’s for the mature. I threw my story in there so you knew I wasn’t just saying this as a friend, but also as someone who’s experienced it. 

You’ll find someone some day, whether it be next week, next year, or twenty years, love finds those who deserve it, who want it. 

End rant response. 

thisisterranova:

This is kind of impressive, in a bad way. I think I really outdid myself. Anyway, as with all my rants, you’re certainly welcome to read this if you so desire, but I’ve posted it here for my “benefit” only and be forewarned that it’s long and stupid, like all rants. And this one is more abhorrent,…